Inner landscape....

This will be a VERY swift post - I need to get ready for the Quiz Night in the Griffin in twenty minutes...

My inner landscape on this journey mirrors the geography of Nepal...

We've been enjoying some utterly WONDERFUL weather. Sunny, hot, humid... a real holiday feel to most days (if I get out walking!). OK, maybe not the best weather to WORK in, but I hate to complain about good weather...

Which is why the total plummet of the last week has been so difficult to process. I suspect down to several things - the new supplements, on top of pushing myself damned hard last weekend and on Monday to get a grip on all the admin of my life AND keep up my training (TWO walks on Monday - nearly an hour before work, and over an hour after work; I was chuffed to bits, and making an extra effort to stretch myself - doubling back to do the slope three times, the sort of terrain I'll have to cover on the trek won't be the gentle undulations of Somerset, so the more hilly stuff I can practice on, the better...)

Tuesday was a real struggle - I was totally knackered. Slept in. Struggled to put in a full shift. Warning light - need time off... so I booked Wednesday. Luckily (or maybe not - I could have had the time off sick!) IBS kicked off Tuesday night and continued through to today (Sunday morning) though at least the ulcers seem to have healed over now... I slept most of Wednesday - haven't done that in an age! so must have needed it.

My class in Swindon was OK, but I was practically nodding at the wheel on the way back - this is NOT good. After two hours work? So I was quite badly rattled to be so low on resources - after a day's rest. Managed a visit to a friend - but indulged in several fags while I was there, so I felt pretty grim by the time I got home.

And Friday, between visits to the loo, my least painful position was stretched out on the sofa. Couldn't really sit, couldn't really stand - and I couldn't really drive, either. So a day off sick, which I always feel rotten about...

I finally managed a 'proper' walk today - maybe four miles, much slower than usual - and with interesting visuals, I think maybe I was a little hasty in donning the walking boots! My temperature plummeted on my return so much that I pulled on a fleece to drive to Sainsburys (I was too dizzy to walk, even though I only needed a few things)...

All of which has been accompanied by the most unsettling emotional leakings - unexpected tears, temper flare-ups and the worst 'downers' I've experienced in a long, long time.

The downers don't even feel necessarily connected to the low-level background anxiety about what happens once my contract ends, and about what's best to do with the morass that is my finances. Although I guess they are.

They feel chemical. Biochemical. Like there's a way to adjust that balance...

Which there will be. It's called eating properly, and exercising regularly, and getting enough rest and sleep, and not smoking and MANAGING STRESS.

Which sounds sensible and practical - and not nearly as bloody hard as it IS.

Maybe I just have to accept that I swing wildly between the poles of exultant elation and quiet desperation. Sometimes not so bloody quiet, at that.

The one I don't like to dwell on too much is that maybe it's the virus proliferating in my brain, inducing mood swings over which I have very little control at all...

Time to go - hope the quiz is fun...